Hello! Welcome to my very first blog post! And let me reiterate that this is my FIRST! So it might be rough and rambly. But, I thought I would start things out with why I decided to start this in the first place!
I have always enjoyed writing and journaling. I even got into handlettering and calligraphy to spruce up the pages. Writing has always been the best way for me to sort out my thoughts and to keep my thoughts focused when analyzing other pieces of writing. Also, writing is something I can do any time, any place. Hear something enlightening? Write it down. Read something beautiful? Write it down. Experience happiness? Write it down. Sadness? Write it down. Frustration? Write it down.
And analyze and reflect as well!
However, recently it's been a little tougher to sort out my thoughts. This past August, I started my very first semester at Purdue University. It has been super exciting, but also overwhelming and there has been change. A lot of it. I'm majoring in Biochemistry, so there has been a lot more homework, studying, and lab reports to juggle. Plus there's making friends and maintaining a healthy social life.
To digest all this change, I've been writing more than ever! But, it's been difficult. My mind is running a million miles an hour.
But why?
From the beginning of the summer before this first semester to now, I have been confused. I wasn't sure who I wanted to be. I wasn't sure if I was capable of handling all that college has to offer. And it doesn't help that during the past couple of years I had been dealing with confidence. I genuinely thought that I was a failure and that I would never be good enough. On top of that, as my closest friends and I began the transition to college, I began to question my lifestyle choices for the very first time.
Was I actually intelligent? Or was I just good at school? Was I "cool" enough? Or was I going to be the girl alone in her dorm room all the time?
I went into this first semester with the expectations of a "typical college experience." I was ready to make a lot of new friends. Study hard... Party hard. But little did I know that this would all leave me to just be really confused.
Now I'm not saying that partying is a bad thing. It can actually pretty fun, but a lot of the times after, I feel empty. And this is what was confusing me. I was wondering if I was losing myself. This definitely isn't how I was in high school, where I was the nerdy try-hard. So with this confusion, I started writing about it.
But the right words did not come.
I didn't know what I wanted. I didn't know who I was trying to be. I didn't know what I was missing.
Trust me, I love all of the friends that I have made. I am enjoying and doing decently well in all of my classes. I even starting working at the front desk of St. Thomas Aquinas (the Catholic Church on campus). And I love my job and the people I have met there. However, even with all of these wonderful things, there have been so many moments where I have just wanted to break down and cry.
No tears ever came.
I was so emotionally scattered and I didn't even know why! I couldn't even write about all of this frustration and confusion! And this was my main reason of going on this thing called Boiler Awakening.
Now I can't really tell you all the details of the retreat because we like to keep everything a surprise. Basically though, you meet a lot of really cool people, connect in small groups, hear amazing talks, pray, worship, sing, and not get much sleep. The theme of this Boiler Awakening was, "The Lord, my Strength" and throughout the weekend I started to realize that I had been dealing with my struggles entirely on my own. I had forgotten that God is the best source of strength and that He actually wants to walk with you. It's totally okay to not be okay, and God wants to share in that, and you can always bring your burdens to Him.
Offer it up to God. All of it.
I was afraid that I wouldn't make friends in college if I didn't participate in the party and alcohol and hookup culture. I began to lose myself as I was putting myself into these environments. I was afraid that I would be judged if I didn't have that typical college experience. And I was getting involved at St. Toms, but I was still longing for those relationships centered on Christ.
It was in Adoration one night where I was finally able to write something that actually made sense. It was sitting in community with a bunch of awesome Boiler Catholics and in the presence of God where I fully invited Him and gave up my burdens. I realized that I had been constantly trying to meet other people's expectations. Not my own. Not God's.
Over the weekend, someone told me that they admired how I was able to make beautiful things even more beautiful with my handlettering. And they admired how I was able to write out my thoughts. And that I brought an interesting perspective to conversations.
AND THEN IT HIT ME
Maybe I can use these gifts of mine to not only help myself, but potentially help others! Who knows? I have always loved analyzing other people's writing and reflecting on Scripture, so sharing my weekly reflections on the Sunday Gospel could be enlightening and spark conversation. I have always used writing to deal with my problems, so maybe there's someone out there struggling in the same ways that I am.
Also I never thought that I would miss having an English class!
So I thought about this blog for a while until another nudge from God came around. Recently, Dr. Edward P. Hahnenberg came to speak at St. Toms about vocation. There were two main things that I took away from this seminar.
1) Vocation includes the modest things you do to be holy.
2) Think about what other people admire about you, and use that in your vocation.
We can all make a difference, even in the smallest things. And when you use your strengths to the greatest potential, you can make a huge impact. So I thought back to Boiler Awakening and I became sure of what how I could be doing more for my faith and for others.
In conclusion, as Saint Pope JP2 once said, "Life with Christ is a wonderful adventure." And I hope you join me in this adventure! There will be ups and downs. A lot of God moments. A lot of confusion. But let the Spirit lead you and offer it all up to the Lord, our strength.
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