There’s not really a great way for me to start this blog post than to say that about a month ago, I experienced an unexpected breakup. Romantic relationships nowadays are really difficult to navigate, and the end of a relationship can leave you with a ton of questions and emotions.
As I was healing, I kept asking myself “What’s next? Where do I go from here? What do I do now?”
Purdue Catholic Students recently hosted Sarah Swafford, an internationally recognized Catholic author and speaker. Her ministry focuses on things like emotional virtue, chastity, and relationships. How fitting for the season of singleness I found myself in again. Everything she touched on were points that she wrote about in her book, but I read it when I was still in that relationship. But I’m in a new season of life so those words (and hearing them come out of her mouth) produced a different response in me.
When I first read what she had to say about what a virtuous and holy relationship looks like, I thought we had it. I thought to myself “Sweet! I’ve got a great guy and a great relationship that will continue to grow in holiness. We have it mostly figured out and we’re on the same page.” When Sarah came to Purdue, I had lost that great guy and our relationship had ended. So, I was curious to see how I would respond to what Sarah was going to say this time around.
Who would have thought that those same points would elicit a completely new response in me? What she said was exactly what I needed to hear, and it was that in whatever season of life we are in we should always be running to holiness and running to God. Not just walking, but a full-on run, even when it feels like we can’t go on further.
Now my mind immediately thought of the Purdue Catholic Students Running Club that started as a complete joke (and has pretty much remained a joke among our friend group) and the wonderful friends that make up this group. Sarah said that we needed to find our squad of gals and our squad of guys and to run together. That’s exactly what this group has done and will continue to strive for. These are the people who consistently ask how they can pray for me. These are the people whom I can sit down with and have deep conversations with. These are the people whom I do ministry with.
In those moments where I continue to dwell on the hurt that came with that breakup, I try to remind myself to look around at the people I am so blessed to be running with. My time with Purdue Catholic Students has been an exciting adventure and I look forward to our next journeys.
My mind also wandered to a retreat I helped lead with my home parish and other parishes in the Carmel Deanery a couple months ago. The theme song for the weekend was “Run to the Father” by Matt Maher.
Running seems to be a common theme for me lately and I’m sure it means that I should be going to the gym more often, but more importantly to run into the arms of the Father.
The lyric that sticks out to me the most is “so I’ll run to the Father again and again and again and again.”
Again and again I will find myself wondering if I’m working towards the right career goal and vocation. Again and again I will find myself wondering where Mr. Right is. Again and again I will struggle in virtue.
But again and again, in all things I do, in all things I struggle with, God should be at the finish line. I will mess up and fall down over and over, but each time I get up, I need to remember to first look at my soul and what it needs to be filled with. And then I need to look up to God and chase after Him, because He has everything I need to save my soul. And when I run to the Father, I’ll fall into the grace I need to keep going.
Sarah had everyone in the audience repeat this statement:
“Striving. Striving. Striving, because perfect doesn’t exist. Striving.”
As we are running to the Father, we will fall. But we must keep going and we must be supporting each other. I have been reflecting on Matthew 17:1-9 this week, which is Matthew’s account of the Transfiguration of Christ. At our Bible study, one member noted how when Peter, James, and John heard God’s voice, “they fell prostrate and were very much afraid.” It’s a common theme in the Bible that when people are in the direct presence of God, their automatic response is to fall on their face.
But when Peter, James, and John were flat on their faces, “Jesus came and touched them, saying, ‘Rise, and do not be afraid.’” Not only is He comforting them and assuring them that everything will be okay, He also encourages them to rise again. It’s a call to action. It’s a call to love. It’s a call to not be afraid to show love in action.
After the breakup, we met up and talked things over, just to make sure everything was alright between us. I received some clarity, but some things are still just hard to hear. I quite literally ran to the Father by going to the Blessed Sacrament chapel after that conversation. No one was in the chapel. No one was even in the main sanctuary. It was just me, God, and a little prayer card sitting on the pew in front of me.
It said, “In the face of an abyss of evil, my only response can be an abyss of love.”
In the tough moments where I run to the Father, all I want to do is fall on my face and cry in His arms, but He doesn’t just let me sit there and be sad forever. When I fall on my face in the presence of God, I fall into His grace. God picks me up and shows me the path. I think that prayer card was Jesus touching me and telling me to rise and not be afraid.
An abyss of evil is really dramatic for the situation I’m in currently, but what I need to remember is to respond to everything and everyone with love. It was easy for me to look at that guy with hostility and resentment, but I forgot that we should be running to God together. Everyone has growing to do, but what I’ve discovered that we’re much more successful if we’re growing and running together. God’s love doesn’t discriminate, and neither should we, even if we’ve been hurt by others.
My questions were answered. I know what’s next for me. I know where I should be going. I know what I should be doing. As I move on, the only place where I should be striving to move towards is Heaven. And I should be striving to bring as many people with me as possible. I’m excited to run again and see who’s running alongside me. This isn’t going to be perfect, but I will be striving, because perfect doesn’t exist.
Run together. Run to the Father. And when you fall on your face, “rise, and do not be afraid.”
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